Gedichte Blog - Videos - Lustig

St. Martin

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:45:33 +0100

[[VIDEO:http://www.magix-photos.com/permamedia?exportclassid=EB897050B05311DD83344E75C3D6D898|P1010761.MOV|http://www.magix-photos.com/permamedia?exportclassid=EB894940B05311DD90725191C3D6D898]]

Tja, St. Martin ist nun auch vorbei und Weihnachten rückt immer näher. Vor ein paar Monaten war ich noch skeptisch, ob ich Weihnachten überhaupt genießen werde. Die Skepsis ist verschwunden und es wird eine wunderschöne Weihnacht, davon bin ich überzeugt.

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play.
- Warren Beatty -

Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
- Charles Dickens -

Schwarzfahren lohnt sich nicht!

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:13:23 +0200

[[VIDEO:http://www.magix-photos.com/permamedia?exportclassid=A71FBCF0996311DD9350E6DFC3D6D898|schwarzfahren_lohnt_sich_nicht.wmv|http://www.magix-photos.com/permamedia?exportclassid=A71F95E0996311DDB47D333FC3D6D898]]

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving."
- Albert Einstein -

Dieses Video ist echt gemein - der arme Vogel tut mir ja sooo leid!

Discrimination - Diskriminierung

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:07:51 +0200

Discrimination is the prejudicial treatment of a person or a group of people based on certain characteristics.

Diskriminierung ist eine gruppenspezifische Benachteiligung oder Herabwürdigung von Gruppen oder Individuen.

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's-a-n-d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b-o-x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, ''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives."

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit.''

Junglebook 3 - My new Lexus

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:47:32 +0200

[[VIDEO:http://www.magix-photos.com/permamedia?exportclassid=365C44B058BE11DDBAD37370C3D6D898|junglebook3.wmv|http://www.magix-photos.com/permamedia?exportclassid=365C1DA058BE11DDBDF9C972C3D6D898]]
- Video: Junglebook 3 -

I bought a new Lexus 455lxs but returned to the dealer the next day to complain that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled at them, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the Australian National Anthem began to play, sung by Thabo Mbeki and Jacob Zuma, backed up by Robert Mugabe and The Zanu PF, with Alec Erwin on guitar, Robert McBride on drums, Jackie Selebi on harmonica, Judge John Hlope on tambourine, George Bush on sax and Dr Manto-Tshabalala Msimang on scotch...

Damn........

I LOVE this car!

Sailing

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:54:40 +0200

I just read a quote and it reminded me of the most beautiful Photos I could capture on the Chiemsee a year ago, to underline this quote

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.

- Louisa May Alcott -

Resumé - Verlorene Handtasche

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Fri, 09 May 2008 20:49:11 +0200

Nachdem nicht eindeutig bewiesen werden konnte, wer meine Handtasche an dem Abend entwendet haben könnte, ist nun endlich ruhe eingekehrt. Ich habe mich damit abfinden können, dass sie verloren ist und kann eher damit leben, als mit dem Gedanken jemand wurde Falsch beschuldigt. Ich habe die konsequenzen für meine Nachlässigkeit zu tragen und habe daraus gelernt. Es hätte viel schlimmer kommen können. Zum Glück waren nur Personalausweis, Führerschein mit Autoschlüssel, Hausschlüssel, Kamera, Handy und ca. €20,00 sowie diverse Kleinartikel in der Handtasche. Mein Portmonai hatte ich zum Glück daheim gelassen und alle Karten sind noch vorhanden. Den alten Führerschein hätte ich sowieso bald in Euroführerschein eingetauscht, also auch kein großer Verlust. Bedenken hatte ich bezüglich meine Schlüssel. Nachdem nun alle Schlösser ausgetauscht wurden, Wohnung und Auto nun sicher sind, brauche ich mir dort auch keine Gedanken mehr machen und den Messer unter den Kopfkissen wieder ins Fach legen *g* Ich habe sehr oft an meiner Heimat Südafrika denken müssen.

Das schlimmste an dem ganzen war, dass die Kripo keinen Zugang zu meine Führerscheindaten bekamen. Dies hat mich arg ins schwitzen gebracht. Nachdem ich mit der Zulassungsstelle hier in Landshut telefonierte, wurde mir gleiches bestätigt. Nun stand ich hilflos da. Alle Daten wurden mehrmals überprüft und es war einfach nichts vorhanden. Diese Daten sind nötig für den Antrag auf einen neuen Führerschein. Endlich kam dann der Hinweis, dass ich mich doch mit der Zulassungsstelle wo der Führerschein ausgestellt wurde, in Verbindung setzen sollte. Dies tat ich dann umgehend und endlich hatte jemand Zugriff auf meine Daten. Sie wurden hierher übermittelt und ich kann den neuen Führerschein beantragen. Nun werde ich Kopien von all meinen Dokumenten machen. Es wäre grauenhaft, wenn die Daten verloren wären. Man lernt immer wieder dazu.

Das Schicksal ist doch eigenartig. 2 Tage vor dem Taschenklau bekam mein Sohn ein neues Handy. Ich übernahm nun sein altes. Ich nutze nur Prepaidkarten und die Ersatzkarte wurde mir sehr schnell zugeschickt. Der Aldi hatte günstig eine Kamera diese Woche im Angebot, alle Funktionen fast gleich wie bei der Alten, jedoch mit höhere Fotoauflösung und Videoauflösung. Es ist zwar nicht eine Panasonic, jedoch habe ich bereits sehr schöne Aufnahmen damit machen können.

Ich bedanke mich trotzdem bei allen für ihre Bemühungen und entschuldige mich für die Unannehmlichkeiten und Umstände die meine Nachlässigkeit mit sich brachte.

Lebenslauf mal Rückwärts

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:18:20 +0200

Wie gut, dass das Wetter nun langsam wieder besser wird und man an der frischen Luft seinen sportlichen Ausgleich finden kann! Da sind gefahren der körperlichen Verletzungen mit solchen Geräten wie hier oben mit falscher Bedienung nahezu ausgeschlossen *g*

Ein toller Vorschlag, wie das Leben eigentlich ablaufen sollte, wurde mir zugeschickt und hat mich mal wieder richtig zum lachen gebracht.

Lieber Gott, hier ein kleiner Verbesserungsvorschlag:

Das Leben sollte mit dem Tod beginnen - und nicht andersherum! Stell Dir das mal vor:
Du liegst six feet under, es ist dunkel und muffig und dann gräbst Du dich dem Licht entgegen.

Dort angekommen gehst Du ins Altersheim, es geht Dir von Monat zu Monat besser und wirst dann rausgeschmissen, weil Du zu jung wirst, spielst danach ein paar Jahre Golf bei fetter Rente, kriegst eine goldene Uhr vom Arbeitgeber und fängst gaaaanz laaangsam an zu arbeiten.

Nachdem Du damit durch bist, geht's auf die Uni. Du hast inzwischen genug Geld, um das Studentenleben in Saus und Braus zu genießen, nimmst Drogen, hast nix als Frauen bzw. Männer im Kopf und säufst dir ständig die Hucke voll. Wenn Du davon so richtig stumpf geworden bist, wird es Zeit für die Schule, die natürlich mit einer einwöchigen Klassenfahrt ins benachbarte Ausland beginnt.

In der Schule wirst Du von Jahr zu Jahr blöder, bis Du schließlich auch hier rausfliegst, natürlich mit einer riesigen Tüte voller Süßigkeiten. Danach spielst Du ein paar Jahre im Sandkasten, anschließend dümpelst Du neun Monate in einer Gebärmutter herum und beendest dein Leben als ORGASMUS!

Das wäre doch toll!

Mean Pictures and a Love Story

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:57:07 +0200

Chinese Proverb:
"When someone shares something of value with you, and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others."

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is...Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Robert Mugabe Blockbusters

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:28:23 +0200

BBC News, Wednesday, 16 April 2008

The fortunes of Zimbabwe have for almost three decades been tied to President Robert Mugabe, the pro-independence campaigner who wrested control from a small white community and became the country's first black leader.

Now, he presides over a nation whose economy is in tatters, where poverty and unemployment are endemic and political strife and repression commonplace.

For years it was a major tobacco producer and a potential bread basket for surrounding countries.

But the forced seizure of almost all white-owned commercial farms, with the stated aim of benefiting landless black Zimbabweans, led to sharp falls in production and precipitated the collapse of the agriculture-based economy. The country has endured rampant inflation and critical food and fuel shortages.

Many Zimbabweans survive on grain handouts. Others have voted with their feet; hundreds of thousands of Zimbabweans, including much-needed professionals, have emigrated.

Aid agencies and critics partly blame food shortages on the land reform programme. The government blames a long-running drought, and Mr Mugabe has accused Britain and its allies of sabotaging the economy in revenge for the redistribution programme. *smile*

BBC News

Men, never argue with a Woman!

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:17:46 +0200

Men can Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely that she can also think.

Chinglish - China Olympics 2008

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 03:41:42 +0200

IS CHINA READY FOR 2008 OLYMPICS? -

Or Lost in Translation?

Emergency exits at Beijing airport read "No entry on peacetime" and the Ethnic Minorities Park is named "Racist Park".

A road sign on Beijing's Avenue of Eternal Peace warns of a dangerous pavement with the words: "To Take Notice of Safe; The Slippery are Very Crafty". "

Carefully meet (小心碰头 / 小心碰頭) = Watch your head
We can't stand the sight of mattress fragrant grass = Don't step on the grass
Comic noodles = instant noodles used in Cantonese-speaking regions.
No entry in peacetime = Not for normal entry. Emergency Exit.
Extraordinary Door (非常门 / 非常門) = Emergency Exit
Careful Landslip, Attention Security (小心地滑注意安全) = Warning: Slippery Floor (for your own safety)
The City is Clean. The People are Happy = Do not litter
Ban the use for maintenance of equipment = Out of order pending repairs
The visitor halts (游人止步) = Restricted area to visitors
Fuck the Certain Price of Goods (干货计价处 / 乾[幹]貨計價處) = "Dry Goods Pricing Department"
After first under on, do riding with civility. (先下后上文明乘车) = Let others disembark before boarding trains
Site of Jumping Umbrella= Paragliding Site
Danger! Inhibition astraddle transgress. = Danger! No entry
Disabled Elevators= Elevator for handicapped people
Oil gate. / Into. = Filling station / Entrance
To take notice of safe = The slippery are very crafty. (注意安全坡道路滑) = Be careful, slippery slopes
Burned meat biscuit = BBQ (meat) flavoured biscuit
Question Authority = Information centre
Please Steek Gently = Please close door gently (关门 / 關門

Frühjahrsputz

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 14:51:24 +0200

"Der Frühling kommt und bringt uns die lang ersehnten Sonnenstrahlen. Dies ist in vielen Haushalten ein Zeichen. Dann wird der Putzeimer aus der Ecke geholt und losgeputzt, damit die Wohnung auf Hochglanz kommt. Aber nicht nur im Frühling sollte man grundlegend die Wohnung säubern, sondern man sollte sich täglich mit der Sauberkeit in der eigenen Wohnung auseinander setzen."

Für mehr Tipps zum Frühjahrsputz hier unten auf dem Link klicken:

Frühjahrsputz

Toiletpaper Delivery

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 18:18:59 +0200

Health Tip of the Day -Who knew?!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.

4. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.

The alcohol in the vodka kills mould and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.

The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.

The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me!
I've only been drinking the stuff.

Intelligence and Men

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:16:09 +0100

The following Facts were sent to me by a friend, I love it - it's just great!
Advice to all the men reading my blog - please don’t take it tooo personally!!

All in the name of fun....

A WOMAN'S HEART IS LIKE A CIRCUS
There is always room for another clown...

WHAT CAN ONE GIVE TO A MAN WHO THINKS HE HAS IT ALL?
A woman to show him how it all works!

WHY DO BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THE MALE AFTER COPULATION?
To stop the loud snoring even before it starts.

WHY DO MEN LIKE TO MARRY VIRGINS?
Because they cannot stand criticism (excellent...)

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN INTERESTING MAN WHERE YOU LIVE?
A tourist.

WHY DID GOD CREATE MEN?
Because vibrators cannot mow the lawn (excellent...)

WHAT DO CLITORIS, ANNIVERSARIES AND THE TOILET BOWL HAVE IN COMMON?
Men miss them all!

WHY DO SO MANY WOMEN FAKE ORGASM?
Because men fake foreplay (Good. Very good...)

WHY IS IT THAT ONLY 10% OF MEN GO TO HEAVEN?
If all men went to heaven it would simply be hell!

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND PIGS?
Pigs do not turn into men after drinking!

WHY ARE MEN IN BED LIKE MICROWAVE FOOD?
After 30 seconds they are both done!

WHAT DISEASE PARALYSES WOMEN FROM THE WASTE DOWN?
Marriage.

WHY DO MEN HAVE A CLEAN CONSCIENCE?
Because they never use it.

WHY DID GOD FIRST CREATE MAN AND THEN CREATED WOMAN?
Because experiments are first done on animals before applying them to humans (very harsh...)

WHY DO MEN LOVE INTELLIGENT WOMEN?
Because opposites attract (hahaha...)

WHAT IS THE SMALLEST BOOK IN THE WORLD?
"Everything that men know about women"

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND FRUIT?
Fruit eventually gets ripe.....

WHY ARE BATTERIES BETTER THAN MEN?
At least they have a positive side...

WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN MEN AND SNAILS?
Both crawl, have horns and believe that the "house" belongs to them (very harsh....)

WHY IS IT NOT POSSIBLE FOR A MAN TO HAVE A GOOD CHARACTER AND BE INTELLIGENT AT THE SAME TIME?
If that were the case he would be a woman...

WHAT DID GOD SAY AFTER HE CREATED MAN?
I can perfect this creature....

WHY ARE MILLIONS OF SPERMS NEEDED TO FERTILIZE ONE SINGLE EGG?
Because sperms are male and refuse to ask for directions....

WHEN DOES A MAN LOOSE 90% OF HIS INTELLIGENCE?
When he becomes a widow...

WHEN DOES A MAN LOOSE THE REMAINING 10%?
When his dog dies....

Frauen und Technik

nospam@example.com (unicorn003) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 15:24:04 +0100

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life
and pass it on to other folk.